Overcoming Codependency

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Author:

Rama Rao, MD

Community Psychiatry for Adults and Children

Medically Reviewed On: July 02, 2001

Codependency has become a buzzword of our time, and as with all buzzwords that acquire a certain cultural currency, the vital concepts behind it can sometimes be undermined with time. In the case of this particular buzzword, however, we cannot afford to let its meaning slip away. Codependency is one of our most destructive psychological habits, and, unfortunately, one of the most prevalent

What is codependency?
Contrary to what many people think, codependency does not only refer to dependent relationships that involve substance abuse. Its connotations are far broader. Someone who is codependent is one who has let another's behavior or feelings affect them in a way that interferes with work, creativity, other relationships and personal growth. Alternately, the word codependency also refers to people who are preoccupied with controlling other people's behaviors and feelings. In either case, whether a person is excessively swayed by another, or excessively dominant, the result is an inability to feel balanced, whole, and empowered.


Distorted and damaged self-esteem is the root of codependency.
When we feel healthy and whole, we understand that we cannot control other people's feelings, ideas, or behaviors. We make decisions that are best for us, and others are afforded this same right and responsibility.

However this healthy perspective is undermined when the sense of Self is damaged through frank emotional and physical abuse, through experiences that did not validate our point of view, or when our basic need for love, understanding, and empathy were not met by those who took care of us.

Walking through life with a distorted sense of Self is like seeing life through a foggy pair of eyeglasses. We cannot see the outside world clearly because our own ability to register and navigate healthy choices and ideas is impaired or undermined by past experience.

Jane's story
Jane M's story is an example of patients' testimony revealed in individual and group therapy.

Jane arrived at group therapy because she did not understand why she was not excelling in her career, and why she chose relationships in which she always functioned as the caretaker and fixer. She complained of vague symptoms of headache, stomachache, and fatigue in which there was no clear medical explanation, diagnosis, or treatments that helped. Through a series of weekly sessions and through feedback from her group, she began to realize that she was recreating patterns from her past that affected her inner sense of well being and her relationships.


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