I had been feeling more positive about things earlier this month; the weather was better, there were things to look forward to, & I had some plans. I just feel bad again now - today I have been on my own all day, again, & I have been thinking about death allot the past few days. I went for a psych appointment the other day - he said my present diagnosis was paranoid schizophrenia (in remission) & poly substance misuse (presently abstinent) - it sounds so wonderful doesn't it? Still no joy on getting any kind of talking therapy - they don't care.

Had a big argument with my bro the other day - he was pissed out of his mind, he is a steroid addict & has mood swings. He is a good bloke, but I get so frustrated with him sometimes. He told me, when we were arguing, that he had been through more & had to go through the same thing in relation to my MH problems! What a laugh, he refuses to speak to me about my difficulties & just tells me to exercise more & stop blaming the tablets - he hasn't got a f*cking clue what it is like to live with this stuff day in & day out.

It's over 10 years now since I was in a relationship, over 10 years without a job, & I'm sick of it all. I try to have hope - but that's all it is, hope wears thin after a while. I had planned to do a degree in September. The course I wanted to do was in psychology & computing, & was advertised as being part time on the UNI web site. I went for an interview with the UNI learner support, they were very helpful; but it turns out that the course is not part time, but full time & the computer aspect to it is very small. I've looked at all the other courses, there are very few part time, & none that really take my fancy. I don't think I could handle a full time course, & if I could; it would mess up benefits & I don't think my heart would be in it. I thought if I did get a degree - then what is the point of it? I'm not well enough to be in work, & the rate I'm going - I will be the most qualified person in the graveyard anyway. A degree qualification would just sit there gathering dust & be just as useless as making any difference to anything as all the other qualifications I have got.