lately i havent been doing too well. just trying to contain (hold) myself together. i havent heared from alex since...two wensdays ago. last time we talked everything was fine. and its buggin me cause i want to know whats going on, i want to know why hes doing this. i want to know what ive done. i cant explain the pain i feel inside. and it shows i havent been myself. i cant explain how much hurt i feel.--other than i was driving the other night. i felt helpless, hopeless, alone. i honestly wanted to let go of the wheel and run into the under pass wall. i lost the will...and now im barely living....i just dont understand why it didnt work, ive put everything into that relationship. and i know i keep saying all of this, but...i cant let go. even though when we were together, things werent ok, and hes treat me like ****. i mean the last time we hung out he ended up passing out. and i was just sitting there....i tried to wake him up....i still have that picture that memory in my head, cause i felt his pain, i seen him lie there....drunk...i wanted to help him, i wanted to hold him, and tell him its ok, im here, i wont leave..its sad cause i know im the only one who cares this much. its hard, cause im used to talking, and texting, im-ing him. now i look up and he isnt there. i know....i knew...that this wouldnt work. but i just dont understand why. i feel like my hearts been torn out of me. i want to crawl under a rock. i feel like....idk. i feel so alone. ive lost everyone around me, im not even talking to my best friend. i think what hurts the most was that this was my second chance to make things right....what HURTS is that, ive lost him TWICE....TWICE. im so confused. i dont know myself anymore, i dont know what i want....i dont know who i am....i dont know anything. the only person i blame is me. cause i stayed in this....i didnt listen. i followed my heart. **** everything