I'm not going to really introduce myself because I came here for anonymity.
I hope this is the right forum, if not please move this.
So first of all... why am I here, Not with my friends or parents, but here of all places? Well I have the two most amazing, beautiful, smart, understanding best friends in the world, and they do want to help, but I don't let them know anywhere close to how bad this is. They have their lives, their own stuff to worry about, without me being condescending and weird, and I love them way too much to bother or hurt them. My mom, she can be the absolute worst person to talk to when you feel bad, but that's not all. I care about her too, and she once again has her own business.
Why am I this way? I moved to America from Europe three and a half years back. When you lose ALL of your life, things in your mind change. I lost my friends, my family but for my mom, my homeland, my school, my cat, even the climate I love. That made me reassess the whole world, and see that there is no permanence. I have nothing that I can't lose. Nothing I can believe in to be mine, and dealing with that was not exactly easy with no friends and a mom who just moved and is too busy building a new life.
I felt terrible, horrible, broken. I lost my faith in God, and started self mutilating, I even came very close to suicide.
And then I found whom I thought to be the most wonderful person in the world. He was beautiful, charming, smart, and an *******. Everything that attracts me. And pretty soon we hit it off. For a while that was the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. We even got engaged, I know it sounds silly since I'm not out of high school yet, but I think we really did love each other. At least I'm sure I love him. He even helped ease my sense of instability, he promised to always be here for me, and the idiot I am, I believed him. I was never perfectly happy, depression doesn't go away over night, but I think I would have gotten happy if he didn't start falling out of love. Things slowly but surely progressed from bad to worse, fights increased, but I was blind and didn't want to admit that I was losing him, so a month ago, when it finally happened, it was as if my world shattered. Our relationship lasted a week short of two years. All my plans for the future shattered. All my faith in the world shattered.
And it's only made worse by other factors. My grandpa died last November, and when I flew in for his funeral it broke off some other part of my humanity. I know he was a bad person, an abusive alcoholic who even in his farewell letter didn't forget to insult me, but I loved him. I cried like a baby. My cat died two weeks ago. I know I didn't live with him but I grew up with that cat, and it hurt insanely.
But honestly, the blow from my relationship was the lethal one. He was not only my first [and I hope last] love, but also my absolute best friend. He said we could stay friends but he just kept hurting me, telling me I was a bad girlfriend in a way or another, describing me vividly how he slept with other girls. If it wasn't enough that he took my mind, he took my body. I knew he didn't love me, I knew he used me, but I couldn't say no, and that's what he knew. Four days ago I told him to never talk to me again, and that was like losing him all over. I cried for about twelve hours. Then I took enough antidepressants to knock me out. I'm seeing a therapist but I can never really open up to her, and I know I really should be on medication because this is too much for a person to handle, but I don't want to upset my already upset mom. The meds I have I got legally in Europe without her knowledge.
I'm handling this in all the wrong ways, and I'm sure you understand what that means.
You know, I look in the mirror and I see that I'm pretty. I have good grades and offers from universities like Duke. I have amazing friends in two countries. But it has no meaning to me. I could not wake up tomorrow and it wouldn't matter. I wanted to be a doctor, to save someone's loved ones, but what's the point?
I want someone to hold me at night and not because they want me, but because they love me, but I know that even if I got that, it would go away in a few years.
Scratch that, I don't want anything.
And I can't tell anyone about it.
I'm a hollow shell without purpose, and no one can know that.