After Marriage - Divorce / Separation - Men's Health Information, Including Fitness, Nutrition, Weight Loss, Working Out & Sex

CHANDLERS WISH · 10-29-2008, 06:05 PM

Just wondering from a male's perspective, if divorced or separated, would you or did you immediately try to "replace" the ex or did you find that you had difficulty getting back out there, or didn't want to and therefore, remained by yourself for a while.

I am separated, some 18 months now, and happily separated so no emotions were attached however, I both found it difficult to date, as well as difficult to show any emotions, or rather perhaps wanted to show emotions instead of just "being"...

How would you react do you think?

What would you do, or did you do....

Be interested to see if the oposite sex is different or if we all actually have a simular thought pattern, pending on what state of mind we are when we leave a situation such as a marriage ( or long term partnership).

CW

lakerat · 10-29-2008, 07:15 PM

I cant speak for all men but for me I didnt date for a while. I did drown my sorrows alot at the bar with my buddies but as for dateing I didnt for prob 6 months. was somewhat of a woman hater during that time,but once I dealt with my issues(men dont say feelings much) I started to date because I was lonley not really understanding what it was I wanted and over time I began to see that there is dateing and there is dateing because your looking for that one special one...its been several years and im still looking .....but im content and wont settle.
(im a cranky ole bas turd)

**samee** · 10-30-2008, 08:49 AM

If I talk about myself then might get attracted to opposite sex and would be looking for a live in relationship. As because of the pain got from the previous relationship might got changed my view to look towards the life partner and could not ever believe on the other side person. Though past good memories made me emotional but I would always prefer to live in the open relationship.

CHANDLERS WISH · 10-30-2008, 07:16 PM

I must admit I couldn't fathom another relationship for the first 6 months, probably cheeted myself there Lakerat, in as much as I then took the "long distance" internet dating for a further 6 months that being different countries so in effect, 12 months before I was really ready to date again.

I think though it was "trust" and so far, I still don't have much faith in guys lol, in trusting...

But, that's only because I haven't met him in person yet...

I don't believe in giving up it is not in my vocabulary.

Samee...

So are you saying, due to the "hurt" of the past you would now only look at an "open" relationship? I guess in effect be a player? What about her? Can she play too or is it one way?

Curious.

CW

**samee** · 10-31-2008, 08:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

So are you saying, due to the "hurt" of the past you would now only look at an "open" relationship? I guess in effect be a player? What about her? Can she play too or is it one way?

Yes, CW. I looking for an open relationship. Now I am on the way where I can not believe on any women for long term relationship or any kind of serous affair . .she cheated me very badly

We were in the same organization when we were friends of each other and later on as our friendship become closer we had started getting dinner, traveling, lunch, dating together. We spent so much quality time with each other. One time we were in the Garden and she told me that she loves me. Though I didn't say anything to her but after the day we become more special for each other. After 3-4 days I got a call from another company to get joined there and that was a nice organization so that I joined it. As timings of both of us were different, we could not meet then we kept having a long time chat on phone. But suddenly one time she called up me and said there were nothing in between us, forget me . .u r not the person who I am looking for . .I was shocked n was asking her what happened bcz of which you are saying like this. . then she replied I never told you I love you . . that was your misunderstanding

When I share the thing with my friend who was working in the same office, he told me that when I left the office after the day she started flirting with another guy in the office . .that hurt me very badly. After that also I called up and sent so many msgs to her but no response. Now it becomes almost 2 years n she hasn't called me a single time. .

well the incidence made me stronger.Now the only thing I can look for "Open relationship" and this time am not sure about her. .let's see what happens the next .. need your wishes for

CHANDLERS WISH · 11-16-2008, 04:02 PM

Hey Sammee.

I think the hardest thing to do sometimes is to "understand" why people can be so cold, why they take and then throw away when they don't need/want it anymore..

The second hardest thing to find is true love. That being a connection, emotionally, mentally and then physically.

I think people go in firstly "physically" and then try to gain the emotions and connections which aren't there, there is not a match and so they "settle" and remain, stay, state they are in love with that person but one of those partners will walk... It's not there.

So, sure, Open Relationship allows "no emotions" but if we didn't fall we couldn't get back up again right?

And, if we chicken out and say "we don't believe" then it will never happen for us.

Find the connection, there is only one, but it is out there and when you do, hang onto it and work with it and it will all fall into place, that's my belief.

I actually, personally was searching and that is really not what you should do, it's when you are not searching that you see clearly ...

Don't think that love is not out there, it is with the right person and that person is out there.

CW

thack · 11-21-2008, 07:15 AM

I am embarking on my own experiment with this soon CW. I will have had 5 months alone by the time I get stateside again, pretty much without any female contact aside from the other forums I have posted in, I am both nervous and undecided on dating when I return.

So, once I get in the pool all the way, I will let you know what I found out, at least for me.

But I can sympathize with some of the above posts, I am trying my best not to be a woman hater and blame all of you girls for the infidelity of the one I just lost, so, that will be a huge test when I get home.

CHANDLERS WISH · 11-24-2008, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thack

I am embarking on my own experiment with this soon CW. I will have had 5 months alone by the time I get stateside again, pretty much without any female contact aside from the other forums I have posted in, I am both nervous and undecided on dating when I return.

So, once I get in the pool all the way, I will let you know what I found out, at least for me.

But I can sympathize with some of the above posts, I am trying my best not to be a woman hater and blame all of you girls for the infidelity of the one I just lost, so, that will be a huge test when I get home.

Hey Thack....

I think it is natural to want to put women in a "box" for a while, after what you went through.

But, you are a very switched on person so I am betting that you will not do so, rather you will be able to now "read" women more than you were ever able to before, and hense, therefore, oliminate those of whom wouldn't suit your needs as you now know them.

Don't rush, don't use ( haha) unless it's okay in their books and take your time....

5 months is not long hey...

I'll welcome you home when you get there.

Well in spirit.

CW

**jsmithxx** · 11-25-2008, 06:45 AM

I do agree with samee thoughts.. I am also facing the same problem..

Mine was also mot in touch from past 3 months and still waiting for her madly..

thack · 11-25-2008, 07:05 AM

I am not awaiting contact from the X, I do not want her, what I once had with her can never be again, I cannot and could not ever look at her in the same light again after her infidelity, her coldness, and her lack of compassion. I have never been in a relationship that engulfed me like it did, my marriage directly effected my health, mental and physical. There were times that I could not eat due to the amount of tension/anxiety in the air between her and I to the point that after I would eat, my body would reject the food and I would vomit after meals, that lasted way too long.

when the divorce started, I tried my best to be nice, and just tell her how I felt, I had been in marriage counseling (pretty much by myself) as well as reading many many books on marriages/relationships, I tried to just remind her of the good times and what we had that was worth saving. I wanted her to stay in my life, I did not want to lose her. And then it flip flopped, I got a phone call from a good friend telling me that she had seen the X and her boyfriends(yes S) downtown in the bars, apparently my X was online on dating services and just meeting new guys every weekend, who knows, weekdays maybe too.

That totally crushed me, just destroyed me. The X was out and about with other men well before any sort of legal proceeding had even occurred between us in regards to a divorce. Then a guy who I had seen her be friendly with at her office from time to time (just thought he was a good friend) popped up on the radar as her "boyfriend" and thats how she introduced him. Now, that was JUST after she filed for divorce, I dont know about you but being titled as a boyfriend normally takes a little while, she didnt call me her boyfriend until we had been physical with each other.

After that, looking at bank records during the paperwork that I had to do, her spending trippled that of what the 2 of us would spend monthly (while I was deployed) and it was all on social things, and she thought she was being sneaky by using ATM's at bars instead of charging her tab at the end of the night (little tip, the ATM usually says what the location is)

SO, my suspecions were confirmed, her accusations of me cheating (with no substance at all, nor reason) were in all actually he rprojecting her guilt onto me, which she still tries to do but now I do not pay it any mind- that is something I learned big time from all of this.

So now, I have not spoken to her in over a month, planning on making it longer, but she took it upon herself to email me and tell me how good life was now that I was out of the picture and how happy her and my son are now in their new apartment. I just simply closed the email and did not respond, I will not give her hte satisfaction of that, not at all. Let that eat at her.

She makes her excuses for why we are divorced, and all of them include me being blamed for every single issue that's ever come up, from money to quality time to sex to affection, anything and everything. which she is just as guilty of all of the above as I am. plain and simple.

but I will not pirate this thread, I know what you mean about the dating thing, 5months isnt long I know, but its 5 months in solitude basically, only women I talk to are in a professional manner or online on womens-health.com.

So we will see where my path lies when I get home. First things first, I have to get my house back in order since she ransacked it with her boyfriend and all her little ugly single friends. (yup, I am going to lash out at them a little here, they are truely ugly - inside and out)

I truly get a fresh start to 2009, and I am looking forward to it!

10-29-2008, 06:05 PM	#1
CHANDLERS WISH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 336	After Marriage - Divorce / Separation Just wondering from a male's perspective, if divorced or separated, would you or did you immediately try to "replace" the ex or did you find that you had difficulty getting back out there, or didn't want to and therefore, remained by yourself for a while. I am separated, some 18 months now, and happily separated so no emotions were attached however, I both found it difficult to date, as well as difficult to show any emotions, or rather perhaps wanted to show emotions instead of just "being"... How would you react do you think? What would you do, or did you do.... Be interested to see if the oposite sex is different or if we all actually have a simular thought pattern, pending on what state of mind we are when we leave a situation such as a marriage ( or long term partnership). CW

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10-29-2008, 07:15 PM	#2
lakerat Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 13	I cant speak for all men but for me I didnt date for a while. I did drown my sorrows alot at the bar with my buddies but as for dateing I didnt for prob 6 months. was somewhat of a woman hater during that time,but once I dealt with my issues(men dont say feelings much) I started to date because I was lonley not really understanding what it was I wanted and over time I began to see that there is dateing and there is dateing because your looking for that one special one...its been several years and im still looking .....but im content and wont settle. (im a cranky ole bas turd)

10-30-2008, 08:49 AM	#3
samee Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 2,042 Blog Entries: 36	If I talk about myself then might get attracted to opposite sex and would be looking for a live in relationship. As because of the pain got from the previous relationship might got changed my view to look towards the life partner and could not ever believe on the other side person. Though past good memories made me emotional but I would always prefer to live in the open relationship.

10-30-2008, 07:16 PM	#4
CHANDLERS WISH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 336	I must admit I couldn't fathom another relationship for the first 6 months, probably cheeted myself there Lakerat, in as much as I then took the "long distance" internet dating for a further 6 months that being different countries so in effect, 12 months before I was really ready to date again. I think though it was "trust" and so far, I still don't have much faith in guys lol, in trusting... But, that's only because I haven't met him in person yet... I don't believe in giving up it is not in my vocabulary. Samee... So are you saying, due to the "hurt" of the past you would now only look at an "open" relationship? I guess in effect be a player? What about her? Can she play too or is it one way? Curious. CW

11-16-2008, 04:02 PM	#6
CHANDLERS WISH Moderator Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 336	Hey Sammee. I think the hardest thing to do sometimes is to "understand" why people can be so cold, why they take and then throw away when they don't need/want it anymore.. The second hardest thing to find is true love. That being a connection, emotionally, mentally and then physically. I think people go in firstly "physically" and then try to gain the emotions and connections which aren't there, there is not a match and so they "settle" and remain, stay, state they are in love with that person but one of those partners will walk... It's not there. So, sure, Open Relationship allows "no emotions" but if we didn't fall we couldn't get back up again right? And, if we chicken out and say "we don't believe" then it will never happen for us. Find the connection, there is only one, but it is out there and when you do, hang onto it and work with it and it will all fall into place, that's my belief. I actually, personally was searching and that is really not what you should do, it's when you are not searching that you see clearly ... Don't think that love is not out there, it is with the right person and that person is out there. CW

11-21-2008, 07:15 AM	#7
thack Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 6	I am embarking on my own experiment with this soon CW. I will have had 5 months alone by the time I get stateside again, pretty much without any female contact aside from the other forums I have posted in, I am both nervous and undecided on dating when I return. So, once I get in the pool all the way, I will let you know what I found out, at least for me. But I can sympathize with some of the above posts, I am trying my best not to be a woman hater and blame all of you girls for the infidelity of the one I just lost, so, that will be a huge test when I get home.

11-25-2008, 06:45 AM	#9
jsmithxx Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 593 Blog Entries: 12	I do agree with samee thoughts.. I am also facing the same problem.. Mine was also mot in touch from past 3 months and still waiting for her madly..

11-25-2008, 07:05 AM	#10
thack Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 6	I am not awaiting contact from the X, I do not want her, what I once had with her can never be again, I cannot and could not ever look at her in the same light again after her infidelity, her coldness, and her lack of compassion. I have never been in a relationship that engulfed me like it did, my marriage directly effected my health, mental and physical. There were times that I could not eat due to the amount of tension/anxiety in the air between her and I to the point that after I would eat, my body would reject the food and I would vomit after meals, that lasted way too long. when the divorce started, I tried my best to be nice, and just tell her how I felt, I had been in marriage counseling (pretty much by myself) as well as reading many many books on marriages/relationships, I tried to just remind her of the good times and what we had that was worth saving. I wanted her to stay in my life, I did not want to lose her. And then it flip flopped, I got a phone call from a good friend telling me that she had seen the X and her boyfriends(yes S) downtown in the bars, apparently my X was online on dating services and just meeting new guys every weekend, who knows, weekdays maybe too. That totally crushed me, just destroyed me. The X was out and about with other men well before any sort of legal proceeding had even occurred between us in regards to a divorce. Then a guy who I had seen her be friendly with at her office from time to time (just thought he was a good friend) popped up on the radar as her "boyfriend" and thats how she introduced him. Now, that was JUST after she filed for divorce, I dont know about you but being titled as a boyfriend normally takes a little while, she didnt call me her boyfriend until we had been physical with each other. After that, looking at bank records during the paperwork that I had to do, her spending trippled that of what the 2 of us would spend monthly (while I was deployed) and it was all on social things, and she thought she was being sneaky by using ATM's at bars instead of charging her tab at the end of the night (little tip, the ATM usually says what the location is) SO, my suspecions were confirmed, her accusations of me cheating (with no substance at all, nor reason) were in all actually he rprojecting her guilt onto me, which she still tries to do but now I do not pay it any mind- that is something I learned big time from all of this. So now, I have not spoken to her in over a month, planning on making it longer, but she took it upon herself to email me and tell me how good life was now that I was out of the picture and how happy her and my son are now in their new apartment. I just simply closed the email and did not respond, I will not give her hte satisfaction of that, not at all. Let that eat at her. She makes her excuses for why we are divorced, and all of them include me being blamed for every single issue that's ever come up, from money to quality time to sex to affection, anything and everything. which she is just as guilty of all of the above as I am. plain and simple. but I will not pirate this thread, I know what you mean about the dating thing, 5months isnt long I know, but its 5 months in solitude basically, only women I talk to are in a professional manner or online on womens-health.com. So we will see where my path lies when I get home. First things first, I have to get my house back in order since she ransacked it with her boyfriend and all her little ugly single friends. (yup, I am going to lash out at them a little here, they are truely ugly - inside and out) I truly get a fresh start to 2009, and I am looking forward to it!